just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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