I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize