So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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