maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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