Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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