I wish my penis had an off switch
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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