Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
