You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
