I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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