Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
