theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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