i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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