When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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