I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
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