just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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