dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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