If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize