hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
