Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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