booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I wish i was in the wii world.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
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