I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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