im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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