stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
