Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
