if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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