Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(713): View more from Texas

So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?

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(434): View more from Virginia

Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.

(951): View more from California

sound pretty economical

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.

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(206): View more from Washington

Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.

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(310): View more from California

...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."

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(513): View more from Ohio

Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.

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(347): View more from New York

My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos

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