it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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