i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
