Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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