could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
