when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
