i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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