Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
