Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
