Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
