I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
