Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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