So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
