Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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