Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
