i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Randomize
