when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
