I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
