i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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