Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
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