Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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