I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
it was like his penis was on wheels.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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