1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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