do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Randomize
