it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
