T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
You did what with his pubic hair?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
