you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
