Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
