Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I want to make a zoo with you.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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