Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
