Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
