I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
