Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Randomize
