then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
