my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
