I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I just found puke in my bra..
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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