how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
