she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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