i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Randomize
