Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
