I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
